It seems as if the journey with CHD comes about quite unexpectedly. In my case it was no different. I was about 19 weeks pregnant with our first child. The pregnancy had gone extremely well thus far. I had absolutely no morning sickness to speak of and other than being tired most of the time, I felt probably the best I have felt in a long time. We were scheduled to go to our hospital for the 19 week ultrasound where we anticipated finding out the sex of the baby. Anyone who knows me well is aware that I have VERY little patience. And, finding out the sex of the baby wasn't something I was willing to put off until delivery.
We arrived for the appointment and were finally called back to the ultrasound room by the technician after about a 45 minute wait. We informed her that we did indeed want to learn the sex of the baby if she was able to see it. I remember very vividly how excited I was, almost to the point where I felt queasy to my stomach, palms sweating, much anticipation. She told us that the baby was quite active. She measured the head circumference, length of both leg bones and arm bones, checked the thickness at the back of the neck to rule out Down's Syndrome. Everything checked out great! Finally it was time to move on to the sex of the baby. In my heart I really felt like I was having a boy. I'm not sure quite why that is, just a feeling I guess? "It is a Girl", she said!! I remember looking over at Jeremy's face, smiling, and then just laughing a bit as I had always told him how funny it would be if HE had a girl :) I remember thinking about all of the pink things I was going to go out and buy her after that appointment, and how I couldn't wait to tell my mom it was a girl. It was an awesome moment, and one I will never forget. The technician continued with the ultrasound all while pointing out all of the important structures and organs she checked along the way. If you have ever had a fetal ultrasound yourself or been witness to one, I'm sure you can remember the amazement you felt when seeing that microscopically small beating heart. It is just a wonder to visualize, and often one of the first things we get to see as women when we are newly pregnant. The technician pointed out the heart and zoomed in further to visualize what I now know to be the chambers. A healthy heart has 4 chambers. The technician looked a little further and then abruptly switched off the machine and said she was done. She told us that the attending doctor would be in to take a look for himself and speak to us in more detail. Again, more waiting for what seemed like a while and then the doctor appeared. More goo on the belly, and then a closer look. I remember noticing how he went right to the heart and seemed to linger there for at least 5 minutes or more. He then said the words that will never leave my mind for a long as I live....... "something doesn't appear to be quite right." My heart sank, I felt like I wanted to vomit, my knees were shaky, and palms were sweating even more. I looked over at Jeremy who had the confused look of a deer caught in the headlights. It was silent in the room, no one said a word... The doctor continued, "it appears that the left side of the heart is underdeveloped for the gestational age." Doctor speak I know, but it was all making sense to me........ We waited, "it may be too early for us to get the best view, and it could be a variety of things, but there does seem to be something wrong with the baby's heart. We want you to come back in 4-6 weeks to follow-up with a fetal specialist who will repeat the ultrasound when the baby is a bit larger." At that point, what do you say? I remember feeling so confused, and the thought of waiting another 4-6 weeks to get a better idea of what was wrong was almost too painful to bare.
We went home that day with the strangest feeling I can ever remember. So much joy, happiness and excitement for a baby girl with one head, 10 fingers, and 10 toes, yet so much trepidation about what might be next to come. Looking back on that day now, I feel like I was robbed. I never got to have that happy occasion where you find out the sex and get to tell your family and everyone oooo's and ahhhh's over the prospect of a new baby. My conversation was always, "we are having a baby girl, and the doctor says something is wrong with her heart, but we're not quite sure what it is?" Then I would get the questions of, "Well what is wrong?" "Can't they fix it once she is born" "What do you mean they aren't sure what she has?" I remember getting to the point where I stopped telling people we had gone for the "big ultrasound" and just wished everyone would forget about it. But of course, they never did. I have learned that people have the best of intentions, but horrible timing. And at that point, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and pretend it had all been a big nightmare!!!
TO BE CONTINUED.............
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